“Shame is the feeling or experience of a strong painful belief that we are flawed and therefore not worthy of love, belonging and connection.” ~ Brenand Brown,,,,, The map of the soul
Over the past year, I have embarked on a journey of investigating – even being friends with – “my” shame.
I use quotes around “My” because most of the shame is not mine. Much of it is inherently sexist, racisim, anti-black, homophobia and/or generational, and it was passed to me. Although I have no choice to internalize or inherit it, it is my responsibility to take care of “my” shame and to deteriorate it in a lovely and compassionate way. I embarked on a rich composting journey of alchemy and planting plants and was fertilized by the gifts of my ancestors.
Shame is so uncomfortable that we often project shame on others to relieve discomfort. I was in intensive training for the keen Self-Compassion (MSC) teacher. I had the honor of participating in the fall.
During the MSC training, I received the blessing of the Dharma of Shame and learned about its antidote – keen self-compassion. Five wise practitioners, including Chris Germer, one of the co-founders of the eight-week MSC program, directed about 30 people (from all over the United States, including some from overseas) to experience the power of self-compassion through a week-long workshop.
Chris shares the gem of wisdom that I will never forget: shame stems from our universal need and desire to be loved. The innocence of shame touched me deeply. Seeing myself in a place to fight shame feels like allowing or inviting.
Before training, I never really talked about shame to provide mindful self-compassion. It feels like I talk about shame, if I name it, you’ll see a film of shame, and I feel like most of my childhood covered my body. It feels like I’ve named it, and you’ll know I’m not worthy of the love I long for.
It’s shame to be a girl and then a woman. It is rampant in my sexual orientation and gender expression. Shame to be a survivor of domestic and sexual violence. Sadness to socioeconomic status…the list continues.
Mindful self-compassion brought me beyond the victim mentality I had known before. I see, like all of us, my early experiences and the environment I have grown up have been affected. I see, like most of us, I’ve been using tools that I could use at the time to do my best. In my experience, I have always leaned on and leaned on – many undesirable adaptive tools for using substance escape.
Today, I am glad to know that this shame comes from an innocent place and can be transformed into compassion for myself and all living things around the world.
I don’t remember the first time I learned this, but Brené Brown also talks about the roots of shame, which stems from the general need for attribution. When we feel separate from the rest of the world, when we feel that we do not belong to the world, a specific form of pain and pain occurs.
In my experience, feeling that I don’t belong, feeling separated, has caused deep wounds that are not worthy and other sexual. Brann continues to talk about “fit” being the opposite of belonging. In my desperate attempt to belong and be loved, I leaned over and entered the “installed” exterior wall, and my injury deepened.
As I write about my life experience, I think of Brené Brown The map of the soul.
She defines shame as “a strong pain or experience that we believe we are flawed and therefore not worthy of love, belonging, and connection.”
She proposes “Shame 1-2-3s”: (1) We all have it. Shame is universal and one of the most primitive emotions we experience. The only people who haven’t experienced it are those who lack the ability to empathize and interpersonal relationships. (2) We are all afraid to talk about it. Sometimes, when we only say the word “shame”, we feel ashamed. But as more and more people are talking about it, things are getting easier. (3) The less we talk about, the more control it has on us. Shame hates talking.
So this is my first book (very likely to be a lot of writing) as I continue to be a mindful self-compassion teacher and provide me with one of my most influential mindfulness-based mental health programs.
I will receive another share, provided by a beautiful tutor, one of the facilitators of teacher training:”No one needs fixing here.transparent
I felt my body soft and exhale as he shared this while the week-long intensiveness was open. It is considered a love note for the exile of the river: I’m not bad, I’m not worth it, I don’t need a fix. Like all of us, I deserve love, belonging and connection. We all do this; no matter what happened in the past, no matter what the future holds. It’s here, now we deserve and deserve to love, belong and connect.
May we feel love, belonging and connection. May we know that we are loved, we belong, and we are connected. May we support each other in our journey of self-liberation.
About Zahra “River” Chevannes
Zahra “River” Chevannes of LCSW, MSW, MSW is an African native artist and community social worker from Brooklyn, NY (land of Munsee, Lenape and Canarsie Peoples). River is committed to compassion practice, replacing the interdependence of mental health, rehabilitation justice, and individual and collective rehabilitation and well-being. Learn more, find resources, and contact River on divineinnerlight.com. Understand the indigenous managers of land on local land.
