“Being a good person doesn’t mean being a doormat…you can be kind, dedicated and loving, but that doesn’t mean you have to accept disrespect or allow crossing.” ~Unknown
I can still vividly remember sitting in my seventh grade classroom, forcing my classmates to laugh as they joked. My cheeks will burn red, but I will smile and desperately want to belong. Over the years, I mistakenly thought silence for kindness, and my nervous laughter was kind. I didn’t realize that by laughing at myself, I was slowly laughing at my own self-worth.
Growing up, I was a “good kid” – the one who never caused trouble, never talked about and always tried to keep peace. When someone trims my appearance or laughs at the way I speak, I respond with a practicing smile and half laugh. I thought it made me mature, even diplomatic. My mom would say, “Brush it off.” “They are just kidding.” But deep down, every laugh was like a small part of my own betrayal.
This pattern lasted until I was a teenager. In every social circle, I became the designated “good sports” – someone who can joke about no matter how sharp the edges are. I wore this tag like a badge of honor and never realized it was actually the shield I was hiding behind. It is not kind to me that I cannot stand up for myself. Fear dressed up as polite.
The turning point was my first year in college. During the group project, my teammates made a particularly cruel joke about my work ethics. As usual, I started to laugh, but my heart broke.
The feeling of depression for years came out, and it was the first time I heard how empty my laughter sounded. In that moment, I realized that I was not friendly-I was accomplice in my own diminishment.
This revelation has led me to the path of self-discovery and personal growth. Through therapy, self-help books, and countless conversations with trusted friends, I began to understand the difference between being kind and being a doormat. I learned that standing up doesn’t make you mean or confront you, which makes you self-esteem.
Here are the important lessons I learned on the journey:
The first step is the hardest: admitting that my laughter is a defense mechanism, not a sign of resilience. I have to accept that it is OK to not find harmful comments that are interesting. The real power is not in ridicule the insult; it acknowledges when it hurts and solves it directly.
I began practicing simple phrases in front of the mirror: “I don’t find that interesting”, “That comment is inappropriate”, or simply, “Please don’t speak to me like that.” At first, these words felt strange on my tongue, but gradually, they became part of my vocabulary. I learned that confrontation does not have to be proactive, it can keep calm, solemn and firm.
The most surprising discovery was how many people respect me more when I started setting boundaries. Those who really care about me adjust their behavior. Those who don’t show off their true colors, and I understand that not every relationship needs to be at the expense of your self-esteem.
Today, I still consider myself a kind person, but my kindness is no longer at the expense of my dignity. I learned that the real benefit is not receiving bad treatment. It’s about respecting others and treating others yourself.
I no longer use laughter as a shield when someone makes a comment about harm. Instead, I was tall and spoke with sympathy and clarity.
For those who know themselves in my story – those who want to laugh when they want to cry, those who smile when they want to scream – I hope you know that your feelings are important. Your discomfort is effective. Your voice is worth hearing. Being friendly doesn’t mean being silent, and standing up on your own doesn’t make you less kind.
The journey from forced laughter to real self-expression is not easy. It is full of disturbing moments and challenging conversations. But as each small move stands up as yourself, you gradually rebuild your own self-worth. You learn that the strongest form of kindness is the kind you show yourself.
Remember: You can be friendly and strong. When you discover this balance, real magic happens – when you can face the world with a sincere smile, knowing that you will never laugh at your dignity again.
About Kalyani Abhyankar
Kalyani Abhyankar is a professor of Law and Mindset Coach, specializing in administrative law and consumer protection. She is passionate about helping others develop unlimited mentality and personal growth by working on LinkedIn and beyond.
