“Perfectionism doesn’t make you feel perfect. It makes you feel inadequate. ~ Maria Shriver
My name is Steffi and I am a recovering perfectionist. This may come as a surprise to people who know me because I don’t fit the stereotype. The inside of my bag is as messy as my hair, and I always give the impression that I’m leaving home five minutes late (which is usually true). My wardrobe doesn’t have coordinated colors, and I haven’t had a perfect birthday party yet.
It also went against how I had always viewed myself. My greatest life skill is my freestyle – thinking fast and going with the flow. It took me a long time to recognize and accept my perfectionism because it went against everything I believed about myself.
However, in the areas that I truly care about, I hold myself to the highest standards. I became rigid and controlling. I didn’t feel any joy or flow, just an overwhelming pressure to be perfect.
At work, I always analyze what I need to do better. I constantly wonder if I am a good enough partner, friend, and family member (the answer is usually no). I really want to live a sustainable life and I feel guilty when I don’t live up to my own standards.
Even in areas where I seem to have come to terms with my own messiness, I wish things were different. I judge the inside of my bag and my mediocre event planning abilities. I feel judged by all the imperfect parts of my life.
Much to my dismay, my perfectionism had the opposite effect: it made the things I did worse. I was no longer able to be flexible, experimental, and curious. I noticed that when my perfectionistic tendencies were at their strongest, my creativity wouldn’t flow and I wouldn’t be able to show up in my relationships the way I wanted.
When my perfectionism is feeling particularly strong, I will self-sabotage by not showing up at all. I chose to be disappointed with what could have been, rather than face the potential pain of my shortcomings.
I feel like the difference between healthy self-reflection and perfectionism is very clear. When my perfectionist tendencies kick in, my body tenses up, my breathing becomes shallow, and my thoughts become scattered. I wanted to immediately go solve the problem and quit whatever I was doing at the time.
Perfectionism can be seen as a positive force for improvement and progress, but it doesn’t come from a positive place. It’s a fear-based approach, underlying the fear that if we’re not perfect at what we set out to do, we’re not good enough. Because we set incredibly high standards for ourselves, we may not live up to them.
Behind it lies the fear of criticism, not only from others but mostly from ourselves. When someone finds something wrong with something we do, it confirms what we’ve always feared: that we’re not doing a good enough job at the things we care about most.
While for some people, perfectionism brings great success to their careers, it often comes with a high cost. It can lead to frustration, exhaustion, and burnout. The intense pressure we put on ourselves can rob us of our joy and peace.
When the pressure becomes very high, it can even lead to procrastination. Because we are convinced that we will never live up to the standards we set for ourselves, we stop trying altogether. In this way, we avoid criticism from ourselves and others, but it also robs us of the opportunity to achieve something meaningful.
Perfectionism is essentially the fear of not being good enough. We believe that as long as we are perfect at this, we will ultimately deserve good things: a successful career, money, love from others, or health and happiness. We subconsciously believe that by giving it our all, we can protect ourselves and our loved ones from the pain of feeling like we don’t measure up.
The problem is, ultimately we really fall short. Because perfectionism means we set standards for ourselves that we can’t always achieve. Life, other people and their opinions are not always within our control.
Ironically, instead of preventing us from falling short, perfectionism actually encourages us to fall short. Many times we become so critical of ourselves that we don’t even try, or when we try, it stops us from fully showing up.
Although my perfectionism shows up from time to time, I now know how to recognize it and stop myself from getting worse. I focus on calming my mind and body and making space for the joy and chaos of life. If you recognize this feeling of perfectionism taking over, here are some things you can do.
1. Learn to recognize your own critical voice.
What areas of life do you feel are most protected? What fears and doubts come up when you think about these areas of your life? What do you think it means to you when you don’t live up to your own standards?
You can even go back and see if you remember the first time you heard that critical voice. Does it sound like your own voice, or like that of a teacher, parent, or someone else you know?
Reflecting on what your critical voice sounds like and becoming familiar with it will give you insight into where it comes from. It can also help you recognize your own perfectionism in your daily life.
2. When perfectionism strikes you, stop and take a deep breath.
This may feel counterintuitive because your perfectionism may want to push you to take action. It can be very tempting to follow the voice and solve a problem you think needs to be solved. But this only supports your perfectionism.
Focusing on your breathing allows you to get out of your head and critical thoughts, even if just for a moment. It then gives you a choice: Do you want to act on your fear, or move forward with a kinder attitude towards yourself?
3. Notice the sensations in your body and make loving space for them.
When you take a moment to breathe, see if you can notice the sensations in your body.
Perfectionism means your nervous system feels activated, so where do you notice this in your body? Where do you feel tension or contraction?
Give yourself space to truly experience your feelings. It doesn’t need to go away or be any different. Create a loving space for your experience. Just breathe and feel.
As you breathe in the tense atmosphere, you may feel your emotions rising. Just let them flow. With some loving attention, you may feel the tension melt away, even if just a little.
Your perfectionism is a form of self-preservation. It can save you from pain, disappointment, and rejection. By giving this experience your tender care, you are giving it the opposite of the criticism it usually receives.
4. Practice calming exercises.
Perfectionism is fear-based, which means you no longer view your situation from a neutral perspective. Calming your nervous system can help you open up a new perspective because when your body is relaxed, your mind will feel calmer.
It can really help to find out what makes you feel calm. It could be humming, taking deep breaths, practicing gentle movements, or looking at clouds. For me personally, it’s walking barefoot, feeling the soft fabrics around my body and listening to the sound of the ocean.
Finding your own resources of peace means you will always have access to them. Over time, this will help you feel triggered for less time and it will become less intense.
5. Allow yourself to be a little messy.
Make a conscious choice to get a little messy in the areas where you feel most perfect. Life is a little chaotic, and so are we. When you choose your chaotic moments, you’ll be better equipped to handle them when they inevitably happen.
Now, I’m not saying “let it go and get messy.” Instead, I encourage you to choose flexibility where you previously felt rigid. It’s like you’re gently building up your resilience to chaos.
This might mean leaving the laundry the next day, buying a birthday cake instead of making it, or letting your loved ones see your unfinished art work. Maybe that means giving yourself a day to eat unhealthy food, start a new hobby for which you have no talent, or give an impromptu speech at work.
6. Connect with your happiness.
Perfectionism and fear are the opposites of happiness. Finding a little joy in areas you consider perfectionistic will change your perspective on those areas. It can be incredibly liberating to invite joy in places where you previously only felt stressed.
So whether your source of stress is raising kids, cooking, cleaning, working, or all of the above, see where you can get a little creative. Try new recipes, use music to make cleaning more fun, or go crazy with decorations at an event you’re organizing. Take classes you love, give yourself room to experiment at work, or take your kids to your favorite theme park.
About Steffi van Kessel
Steffi van Kessel is a somatic coach who focuses on calming the nervous system and processing emotions. She writes on topics including fear and safety, joy and excitement, and neurological health in the workplace. You can read more of her work here. Click here to connect with her on Pinterest.
