“Sensitive people should be cherished. They love life and think deeply about life. They are loyal, honest, and real. Simple things sometimes mean a lot to them. They don’t need to change or harden. Their purity makes them them. ~Unknown
I can picture it perfectly – I’m a freshman at Notre Dame. This is my first semester at the school I’ve dreamed of attending since I was a kid. Everything felt new, and as I did the dance of making new friends, I was very aware of how I was perceived.
I stood in line with a group of girls in my dorm to buy football tickets, and I listened intently to a conversation between smart people discussing current events (Obama was running for president).
I suddenly recalled a painful image I had seen that morning, of a family sitting outside their house, which had been foreclosed on due to the financial crisis. I blurted out, “I’m so sorry to hear this news. It really breaks my heart.
Suddenly, I felt the energy within the circle change. There was no immediate response and there was silence for about an hour. One of my new acquaintances broke the silence and said, “Want to know what makes me happy? Did you guys read Grey’s Anatomy? The conversation changed and I stood in the queue, feeling ashamed and not understanding why.
If this situation sounds familiar, you may have emotionally sensitive traits. emotional sensitivity is a term used in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) to describe characteristics that cause an individual to feel more frequently and intensely.
In other words, if you are emotionally sensitive, you feel a lot. Many people who are considered Highly Sensitive People (HSPs), empaths, and superfeathers have this trait. Emotional sensitivity is a genetic trait. Research shows that if you are sensitive, you carry this quality with you throughout your life.
sensitivity and openness
Emotionally sensitive people tend to be more open and vulnerable than their less sensitive peers. Many of my clients have been told that they “wear their hearts on their sleeves” or are “too honest.”
As an emotionally sensitive person, I have a deep understanding of my clients’ experiences. As a young girl, I wanted to share my thoughts, worries, and excitement with the world around me.
I remember when I was twelve years old, my family and I went to a beach in Santa Barbara. I spent the whole day playing with a girl I knew – building sand castles, doing somersaults, catching and releasing sand crabs.
When I returned to my parents’ house for a gritty peanut butter and jelly sandwich, my dad said, “Everywhere we go, you make a friend with someone.” It’s a valid statement; I like to be told that I’m friendly.
In high school, I was notorious for making situations “awkward” because I would instinctively call out what I perceived to be a dynamic (and, let’s be honest, a lot of high school dynamics were awkward).
In college, I was curious about my peers’ experiences and encouraged open dialogue. As a result, I would often stand in the corner at parties having a heart-to-heart with a companion (who I now realize may also be an emotionally sensitive person).
It’s safe to say that the people in my life were not shocked when I became a psychologist.
When society suppresses your weaknesses
I find that many of my clients have similar open childhood stories. So…what’s the “problem” with this tendency?
Sensitive people feel that over time they have lost the ability to be vulnerable and authentic. As children, they approach life with an open and curious attitude, but as adults, they often feel closed off and disconnected from their emotions.
I believe this phenomenon is a result of the society we live in.
in their books Sensitivity: The hidden power of highly sensitive people in speaking loudly, quickly, and in excessJenn Granneman and Andrea Solo describe this attitude as the resilience myth.
The authors, who all identify as HSPs, explain that sensitive people try to hide their temperaments because they are taught that “sensitivity is a flaw, that only the strong survive, that being emotional is a sign of weakness, and that empathy makes You are being taken advantage of.” The more patient you are, the better. [and] It is shameful to take a break or ask for help” (p. 25).
In other words, emotionally sensitive people receive explicit and implicit messages throughout their lives that reiterate “Don’t be vulnerable.” Who wants to lead with an open mind when you’ll be laughed at for it?
Additionally, during childhood, many emotionally sensitive people learn that their natural openness is often misunderstood. They may feel like they don’t quite “fit in,” and awkward silences or subtle moments of invalidation at parties are often internalized, leading to deep feelings of shame.
Over time, this shame can lead emotionally sensitive people to suppress their feelings (often in unhealthy ways) or put on a social mask to “fit in.”
Emotionally sensitive people find that the only way to “be strong” is to resort to maladaptive behaviors such as substance abuse, eating disorder behaviors, overworking, or avoidance. These behaviors may help numb feelings in the short term. The act of suppressing feelings can be so automatic that you may not even realize it’s happening. The problem is, when we shut down our emotions, we also lose the ability to be vulnerable.
Reminder: You are highly vulnerable
When you consider the resilience myth, it’s understandable that as an emotionally sensitive person you might feel like you’ve become less open over time.
We live in a society that often misunderstands or rejects vulnerability altogether. It really stings when your natural openness is invalidated. It can be very painful to share something deeply personal, only to have people walk away or say “keep it to yourself” or “don’t worry so much.” It’s no surprise that after experiencing these invalidating moments over and over again, shame may wash over you.
I write this to remind you that despite some of the messages you receive, your vulnerability can be an incredible source of strength.
Psychologist Brené Brown, known for her research on vulnerability and shame, reminded viewers that vulnerability is the birthplace of love. Your ability to be vulnerable also allows you to feel a sense of belonging.
When you open up, you show courage in a society that may not understand that vulnerability allows us to build spaces characterized by joy, empathy, and creativity. When you allow yourself to be vulnerable, you open up the possibility of deeper connections and more authentic interactions.
I know this sounds cheesy, but I firmly believe that your vulnerability can make the world a better place. Keep it up, no matter what the haters say.
About Mary Kate Luhan
Dr. Mary Kate Roohan is a clinical psychologist, drama therapist, and founder of Thrive and Feel, a therapy practice in Pasadena, California. She combines Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), and creative arts therapy techniques to help emotionally sensitive people regain a sense of control over their lives. She is particularly committed to working with queer touch people and is committed to creating a healing space for everyone she works with.
