“A limit is the distance between which I can love you and me at the same time.” ~Prentice Hemphill
I was talking to a friend about some aspects of a challenging relationship (I can’t even remember what it was now) and she lovingly told me that I needed better boundaries. I nodded to show understanding, but then realized I didn’t understand real Know what that means. For example, what do better boundaries actually look like? And how to go about developing them?
It’s all good and dandy to know”“No” is a complete sentence, but how does this apply to colleagues who just need something quick (even if I’m already stuck)? Or a friend who needs help with a minor crisis (but I’m not feeling great)? Or a parent in need of medical care (when I really don’t qualify and am still trying to stand on my own two feet)? Or a new boyfriend who has a very reasonable demand to be accepted as they are (and my core needs are not being met)?
I didn’t have an answer at the time, so I just filed the suggestion away and awaited further intelligence. I’ve moved halfway across the country to gain some distance from my (divorced) parents, but I’ll eventually develop a more diverse toolkit of relationship skills.
Fast forward a year or two, and I was participating in some structured activities with a group of people who practiced Real Relationships, when I encountered what I later realized were healthy boundaries—for the first time in my life.
These beautiful souls will occasionally decline an invitation (either as part of an event or afterward) in the most disarming way I have ever experienced: they say no. No need to disconnect. It was pleasant and friendly, no apology or rudeness. It’s real and it’s obviously nothing personal. It feels very unexpected OKlike honesty and mutual respect.
I realized that I could also feel comfortable confessing my rejections to them, trusting that they would appreciate my authenticity (expressed responsibly) and not hurt their feelings or try to tilt my arm in their favor.
I also realized that if these people could say “no” so easily, I could trust their sincerity in their “yes” and not fall into my usual pattern of asking “are you sure?” worrying that they were just acting like it? Well, you end up in trouble. Wow! How liberating is this?
Then I faced my own question: What had I done? been Have I spent my whole life trying to be “nice”? I was inspired to improve safety and trust in my relationships. This opening has given me a growing understanding of the nature and nuances of boundaries.
The next revelation in my journey was that our boundaries are essentially our resource limits, and then I found myself faced with the whole “abundance vs. scarcity” issue. As a recovering people-pleaser, I already want to be able to say “yes” to everything, and having to say “no” to things makes this story even scarier because “no” can mean limiting myself and putting a dent in me and my barriers between dreams. I was supposed to be rich, dammit, not restricted!
It turns out there are significant differences between the two mentality abundance or scarcity and Reality Abundance and scarcity in the world.
There is indeed an abundance of life on this planet, but every life is fleeting. I may have the potential for financial abundance, but at any given moment, there is only so much money I have. One of the most fixed resources is time. There are only twenty-four hours in a day; in some cases, it may feel like abundance, and in others, it may feel like scarcity.
Then I noticed that some of the most precious resources on Earth, like gold and diamonds, are valued in large part precisely for their scarcity. Suddenly, my limited resources became precious to me. My time, money, energy, attention, and care were suddenly like jewelry and I was their honored steward.
Now, the “oxygen mask rule” is even clearer to me: if we’re not good for ourselves, we’re not good for anyone else.
When our resources are depleted, we have nothing left for the people and causes we care about most; often, we even harm them when we fall out of the survival mode triggered by insufficient resources. In many cases, we end up blaming others for going above and beyond, when in fact we are the ones who are overpaying. (Resentment is almost always a byproduct of failed boundaries.)
Sometimes we may even preemptively resent being put in a position where we have to say no – “How could you ask me that?!” This happens because we take on the wrong responsibility for other people’s emotions. We completely ignore the option of simply saying, “No, thank you.” “Well, I’m fine.” “No.” “Sorry, I can’t come. Maybe next time! “I can’t help you, but I might know someone who can. “I have to go now. I love you and I’ll call you tomorrow.”
But what if we don’t even know what our limits are?
Next thing I discovered was how deeply ingrained my sycophantic behavior was. Some people say “yes” to some things and “no” to others. However, it’s tricky for those of us who grew up feeling falsely responsible for other people’s emotional states so that we can feel safe, as this tends to develop a reflective Yes.
When a request (or even a perceived need) is made, we Yes, But it’s about people—how receptive they are to us and how easy they feel. This affirmation comes before we hear or process the request because we have an external orientation, which makes the other person’s acceptance of us (rather than ourselves) our source of security.
The reason we say yes to them so quickly is because we just want to take the burden off them and avoid the fear of waiting for us to consider whether we agree to what they are actually asking for. Of course, this is all subconscious and habitual, and we don’t even realize it’s driving us. It’s hard to notice if you’ve declined a request when you’ve already said “yes” to the requester.
However, once we become aware of this pattern, we begin to become familiar with our limitations, often for the first time, and we begin to realize how much power we have given away.
In our quest to right wrongs, most of us have unfortunately encountered the popular notion that we must sacrifice our compassion in order to gain power. After allowing our boundaries to be trampled for so long, once we discover our “no” we start wielding it like a sword and mistakenly assume that our only options for boundaries are “weak fences” or Spiked Wall”,
However, a spiked wall is no healthier than a flimsy fence. Both of these dysfunctional border styles lack the following key elements: appropriate responsibilities. When I finally have full control over my limits, I have no one to blame but myself when they are exceeded, and there is no need to be rude to them because they are my own to take care of.
Then I remembered an article from my dog training days about putting “yes” after “no” and I combined it with the related rejection I learned from “real people” to find A way to mitigate my sycophantic reactions while still being restrained.
I started telling people, “I can’t do this, but I can do this.” A real “no” followed by a real “yes.”
>> “I’m sorry, Barb; I can’t help you with that project right now. If you still need help tomorrow, I’ll be available after lunch.”
>> “No, I can’t help you move today, Sam, but I might be able to help you pack this weekend.”
>> “I’m not sure what these symptoms mean, Mom. This is the emergency nurse line – please call them.
>> “You’re right, John. I do want to accept you for who you are, so if I’m asking for more than you’re capable of, then it’s not going to be a healthy relationship for me, which means it’s not going to be a healthy relationship for us. There’s no benefit to either side, but I really appreciate you and would love to remain friends if you’d like.
These are “selective gates” and there are no quick solutions to getting there. We must devote time and attention to the uncomfortable shift of rooting security within ourselves so that we have the foundation of self-love and self-acceptance to bravely face the fear of rejection while speaking our truth This fear is always at risk.
The gate of selectivity is not only communicated through “not that but this.” In our closest relationships, we can provide information about our limits and the consequences of exceeding them as gifts to our loved ones to better understand and support us.
It’s important to understand that boundaries are not the same as needs. Since they are only our limits, there is nothing to ask for but self-care.
As my foundation became stronger, I stopped asking others to make adjustments and started simply telling them what I was encountering and what I needed to do in certain situations.
This model looks like: “When [X] It happened, I felt [Y]so in order to take care of myself, I will [do Z]”.
>> “When it’s still early, my brain isn’t fully online yet, and I get grumpy if provoked. You are welcome to contact me and I will listen without responding, but if you ask me before I’m fully awake Some things I just grunt about.
>> “When we travel, if we want to do different things without one of us feeling dissatisfied, I’ll go my own way and then meet you again.”
>> “When I’m criticized harshly, I feel shame, so I withdraw from the conversation to take care of myself.”
I call this style of boundary “selective gates” because we can choose how people access us, and they can learn the rules. Since these are defined by behavior rather than the person as a whole, people can choose to use the gate or move on.
(Hot tip: These methods only work if you really follow through and stay consistent. Also, be prepared to reiterate your boundaries multiple times. Feel free to limit it as much as you like, but I allow for a learning curve of two or three repetitions.)
In other cases, we may agree to a request but need to qualify it. This is where we need to communicate our boundaries in a more proactive way, and it can be very simple – no lengthy explanations required. These winning strategies boil down to clear clarityleaving little room for assumptions, misunderstandings or “psychic” games.
We can state our terms directly instead of an open-ended “yes” that could get us trampled.
>> “Sure, I have five minutes.”
>> “Don’t worry, just tell me before Wednesday.”
>> “I can do one of those things.”
Again, consistency is key. We must adhere to the boundaries we set or our words lose value.
Boundaries are a service! Others may be frustrated by our rejection or conditions, but if they have a good relationship with us, they will also appreciate our honesty and self-care because that is how we are able to show ourselves to others. How to build trust. Conversely, this insight can also help us accept disappointing rejections from others while also truly respecting their boundaries.
Love is unconditional, but relationships are not; that’s what boundaries are for.
Having a big heart is not a problem. Please do not fence – just patch up the fence and install a gate. There is no need to sacrifice your compassion for power. Grow your compassion so that it is big enough for yourself and others.
What works wonders for me is a regular practice of learning, self-reflection, embodiment, interaction and support. I call it my “Peace Power Exercise” and it involves a lot of reading and educational programming, small charts I create and keep on my phone as touchstone reminders, frequent journaling and review of my entries, habitual introspection, regular Chakra meditation, mindfulness of my connection to my fellow humans (especially when triggers are involved), and a core network of trustworthy people.
Creating better boundaries is a challenging path, but it’s still a highly rewarding one.
About Maria Greystone
Mariya Graestone, aka Love Coach Mariya Graestone, is based in Austin, Texas and coaches women around the world on establishing healthy boundaries, cultivating self-love, and breaking cycles of difficult relationships. https://lovecoachmariya.com/
