“Much of human suffering is unnecessary. As long as your life is controlled by the unobserved mind, it is self-created. ~ Eckhart Tolle
“Holy shirt ball!” I yelled, jumping out of the icy water and gasping for air.
It’s 5:30 a.m. and I’m in a hotel in Argentina, bleary-eyed, sleep-deprived, no hot water, and my back feels like the surface of the sun.
The day before, I got the worst sunburn of my life while lying on the floor, engrossed in reading my first self-help book. I couldn’t believe there were other people like me who had big ambitions and wanted to develop themselves beyond the social framework.
In fact, I was so focused that I forgot to put on any sunscreen. (Lesson learned!)
As I packed my bags and left Argentina, armed with a newfound sense of confidence and excitement—plus a tan—I vowed that I would use what I learned from that first book to transform my life. become the life I want. An epic relationship with a man who cherishes me, the freedom to build my own career, and finally getting in shape.
Then, I landed in my hometown of Buffalo.
I was in college at the time, studying to be a Spanish teacher.
I squeezed in my family, answered their well-intentioned questions, and looked out the window at the cold winter landscape and thought, “What was I thinking? Only super successful people can live that kind of life and set those kind of goals. I’m just a Girl from a small town, going to be a successful Spanish teacher I already have so much I couldn’t ask for more.
Thus began my years of self-torture, living a great life on paper only to sabotage my life when I dared to achieve bigger dreams. When it came time to take courageous action to get in shape, advance my career, or meet new people, I found myself endlessly watching TV, avoiding job postings, or turning down a second date with a perfectly reasonable man— And my confidence and self-belief were gone.
If you’ve ever been there, increased your shopping after setting a goal to spend less, or ordered a pizza during the second week of a new fitness regimen, you know that self-sabotage can be a problem. It’s a frustrating habit that we might think we’d do.
But there is good news!
Self-sabotage is really the last action in a series of predictable events. These events occurred in everyone. We can easily catch these signs of self-sabotage in advance and deepen the richness of our pursuit of our goals by taking these three steps.
1. Imposter syndrome is exciting!
Before we start falling into self-sabotage, we need to change our mindset about its precursors—predictable events that lead to self-sabotage.
These precursors include:
- imposter syndrome
- overwhelming
- self doubt
- analysis paralysis
- Worry
- Believe we are not good enough
When we come from a stance of “I can’t,” these precursor experiences drive the actions we take. A new fitness routine, the next step in a relationship, or a promotion seems beyond our control and our brain immediately defaults to “I can’t handle this, so I can’t do this.”
When we are on the verge of taking inspired action to live our most fulfilling life, we take a giant step outside of our comfort zone.
Our brains have no evidence of success in this new realm and therefore cannot adjust their blueprints to include it, and so will purposefully create these precursory thought patterns to stop us in our tracks. It sees anything outside of our comfort zone—including growth and fulfillment beyond where we are—as a psychological danger that it cannot explain.
While we can’t stop our brains from trying to implement these safety measures, we able Stop us from buying them.
When we stop seeing the presence of these precursors as a bad sign or something that needs fixing, and instead see them as something exciting, a mindset changes.
I know you’re probably thinking, I hate feeling overwhelmed or like I’m not good enough. Too bad!
I disagree that these are uncomfortable experiences. But what I’m saying is, these feelings are also evidence You are moving in the right direction.
If you’re experiencing overwhelm, imposter syndrome, or self-doubt, it’s because what you’re considering doing is outside your brain’s comfort zone. Because our purpose in life is to grow and evolve, and all Growth and evolution happen outside of our comfort zones…
These behaviors only come about when you are about to do something brave!
Feeling like you’re not good enough is no longer evidence that you’re not good enough. It just proves that you are making a bold decision for yourself to truly live and grow and not let your brain hold you back.
you might always When you’re ready to make a courageous decision, you’ll feel some of the warning signs, such as feeling overwhelmed, self-doubt, not feeling good enough, comparison syndrome, or imposter syndrome.
When you can move beyond the volatility of these precursors and recognize that they are natural signs of exciting progress—not the end of the road, but simply a stop sign along the way—you can move from nervous self-sabotage to committed progress.
2. Feel what you feel.
We are all guilty of regulating our emotions in ways that we know are not good for us. Maybe for you it’s browsing social media or going out with friends. It could be a glass of wine or an extra piece of chocolate cake.
When I’m overwhelmed, I’m always drawn to comedy specials on Netflix. Or I just watch TV to distract myself from what is about to happen.
I want to emphasize that there is nothing wrong with these behaviors in moderation. In fact, these are the pleasures we enjoy here on earth. But if we keep putting off these behaviors, they can become warning signs that self-sabotage is about to happen.
This is because the root of all self-destruction is Avoid uncomfortable emotions.
When we talk ourselves out of following an inspired idea, we may believe that we are “protecting” ourselves from something more tangible, such as judgment from friends and family, loss of money, or loss of time. But these are just neutral situations with no inherent emotion.
What we are actually trying to protect ourselves from are the uncomfortable emotions our brains generate in these situations, such as disappointment, shame, or guilt when we fail.
A mentor once shared a hypothetical story with me – if aliens came to Earth and asked humans what shame felt like, humans would shudder and describe it as the absolute worst feeling in the world. Curious aliens would be interested in this bold statement and ask humans: “Wow, what happens when you feel shame? Does your face melt? Do you break out in hives? Do you start bleeding profusely? and die!
A human might get shy and say, “Well, no, actually. My stomach just hurts.
I share this anecdote to illustrate that feeling emotions is not harmful to our bodies. Just uncomfortable.
But considering everything we overcome in life, all the adversity we face every day, and the strength of the human spirit that unites us, a little discomfort is nothing we can’t handle. It’s well worth it for the exciting life that awaits us on the brave other side.
In order to stop ourselves from self-sabotaging and move on, we need to learn how to face and feel these emotions. (I promise your face won’t melt!) When we fully feel shame, embarrassment, and disappointment, their potency will dissipate and we will be able to gain objective clarity.
The easiest way to feel your emotions is to sit in a quiet place and identify the emotion you are feeling. What’s its name? (Fear, disappointment, panic, and worry are common examples.
Then, set a timer for one minute and feel the emotion. I’m not saying think About emotions. What I mean is feel the sensation this emotion creates in your body.
Where are the emotions in your body—your chest, your hands, your throat, your stomach? Does it have a color or shape? Does it have weight?
Touch the most sensitive parts of your body with your hands and allow yourself to fully experience the sensation for a minute. Chances are, by focusing your attention on this emotion for a full minute, its potency will dissipate, allowing you to regain access to higher-level thinking.
3. Take control of your story.
Once our emotions are fully felt and respected, we can begin to think critically to address the root causes of self-sabotage.
One of my favorite questions is “What’s the story here?”
Remember, your brain is initiating self-sabotage to prevent you from feeling uncomfortable emotions. However, evidence must be obtained from the following aspects somewhere This action you are about to take will lead to disaster. So…where has a similar situation occurred in the past that ultimately resulted in an uncomfortable emotion?
Let’s say you see a flyer advertising open auditions for a local musical. It piques your interest and you get excited about auditioning, imagining yourself on stage and all the fun you’re having as a performer. But then you start hearing the warning signs: “I’m not good enough, I don’t have time, I’ll never make it,” which can dampen your spirit and lead to internal conflict.
If the last time you auditioned for a musical, your voice cracked on the high notes and you didn’t get the part, we can’t blame your brain for sending you these precursors! It wants to slam on the brakes and protect you at all costs from the awkward feeling you had before. Those thoughts of “not being good enough” will always effectively stop you from moving forward.
But with clarity and compassion, we can see this experience for what it is—just a story from the past. A story that has nothing to do with our future unless we continue to bring it into the present through memory.
When you ask yourself, “What’s the story here?” quietly observe how your brain automatically brings memories or long-held beliefs to the surface. Once you have identified the source, you can now ask yourself one final powerful question:
“Do I still want to be the steward of this story?”
We have a choice every moment of every day to keep the stories of our past or let them go.
The stories we cling to provided us with a sense of security for a time. Stories of musical theater auditions protect us from the further embarrassment of daring to believe in ourselves again and possibly failing. If we have trusted someone before and they broke that trust, our “I can’t trust people or open up to them” story can protect us from the pain of unrequited vulnerability.
It’s important to respect and realize that these stories do have a purpose and do protect you over a period of time. But in order to stop self-sabotaging and move forward with courageous action, we can let the stories that hold us back fall away. We can begin to recognize and be excited about what awaits us on the other side of publishing this story, allowing us to write new stories and access our most authentic inspired lives.
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Sometimes it’s hard to see the forest for the trees. It’s important to find compassion for yourself when you notice self-sabotaging behavior and realize it’s just your brain playing a funny trick to keep you from the unknown. Fortunately, these techniques are predictable, and once we learn to see them as a good sign, feel our feelings, and release old stories, we can continue to grow into our bravest, bravest selves.
About Amanda Popowski
Amanda Popovski is a life and business coach for female entrepreneurs, helping them move from being overwhelmed and overthinking to taking courageous action in a consistent way. She invites you to learn more on her website amandapopovski.com or subscribe to her weekly newsletter here.
