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Is it a good idea to stay friends with your ex?
Last month, Life Kit posed this question to our audience in a story and podcast episode on the topic. Our relationship experts say this might make sense if you share children or pets. But if you are in an abusive relationship or still have feelings for the other person, steer clear.
Dozens of listeners wrote to us with their thoughts on the subject. Their story illustrates the possibilities that can arise when a romance ends. Some people say their ex is their best friend. Some said they had to remain enthusiastic for practical purposes. Others said they realized… they didn’t want to be friends at all!
These responses have been edited for length and clarity.
“We still live together”
Not only are my ex-husband and I good friends, but we still live under the same roof and co-parent our 13-year-old son.
When we divorced in 2015, we decided to live in the same house together. Housing prices in California are expensive. Each of us would take a huge financial hit if we had to sell our homes and find our own place.
We also didn’t want to be separated from our then 5-year-old son. This arrangement allows us to co-parent more effectively and see our son every day. We created a custody agreement that clearly defined when each of us would be responsible for our son and his care. Now, almost nine years later, my ex and I are very close. But no, we’re not getting back together.
Yes, dating is hard. Who wants to date a man who is still living with his ex? But the advantages far outweigh the disadvantages. —Brian Gonzalez
“My ex-wife is my best friend”
I have been divorced from my ex-wife for 22 years. We have two children, a son and a daughter, who are now grown and living nearby.
I felt hurt, angry, and lost for a long time after my divorce. But after reviewing the hurtful things I said and did, I understand her perspective better. I need to be more mature.
Slowly, we began to rely on each other for help. She developed health problems and became disabled. Today, my ex-wife is my best friend. We advise each other on many aspects of life, from dealing with siblings to home repairs. We celebrate family events with our children and their significant others. We are now the very proud grandparents of a precocious two year old who is the joy of our lives.
It feels good not to be bitter and angry about a failed marriage. ——Todd Scherer
“I don’t want to have contact with my ex”
My (now) ex-wife and I divorced this past January. We have been together for 34 years and have raised two sons, who are now 33 and 28 years old.
We intend to remain on friendly terms for the sake of our children and to commemorate the years we have spent together. But I’m not sure what that relationship will look like in the future.
For now, I want to have as little contact with my ex as possible. As a newly divorced 67-year-old, I need the mental space to discover who I am in 2024. I wanted my feelings and thoughts about our family’s disintegration and divorce to be addressed. ——Bill Cooper
“I hope he’s in a little pain”
Six months ago, my husband of 8 years and partner of 21 years divorced me. He said he still wanted me in his life, but only as a friend.
We are in regular contact and meet several times a week. But I’ll be honest: It’s hard to see him pick himself up and move on while I’m still coming to terms with everything. I want him to be happy, but I also want him to be a little miserable.
The fact that our circle of friends was small didn’t help. When I see him with a mutual friend, they discuss the people in their lives that increasingly seem to include me. It makes me feel like a third wheel. ——David Lantrip
PS Make sure your readers know I’m attractive. And obviously single.
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“He believed we would continue to be best friends”
When my 15-year relationship ended, my partner – who was about to become my ex – said he had no doubts that we would continue to be best friends.
Suddenly, I blurted out: “But I’m not friends with people of your level.”
It’s fascinating to realize that the person you formed a relationship with might become someone you’d rather not meet now. This helps me stand in the moment and know one thing for sure. —Maya Droz
“It creates something beautiful”
My ex and I were not romantically compatible and went through a bad breakup filled with mistrust, jealousy, and sour moments.
Still, I want to be friends again. We are both queer and feel a lot of pressure to be friends for the sake of our friend groups. So I decided to forgive my ex for all the mistakes he made. It backfired so much that we didn’t speak for several years afterwards.
It was during COVID that we reconnected. We live in the same city. I’m already married to another woman. Not long after, my ex-husband and my wife met for the first time.
We had long discussions about how to be better friends and build meaningful relationships. My wife, my ex-husband and I dance and have adventures together. My ex was my support when I was pregnant. My ex is now part of my chosen family.
This didn’t happen overnight. Time has given us space to heal our wounds and have many conversations about how we want to move forward together. It creates some more unexpected beauty. ——Lakshia Farmer
Thank you to everyone who took the time to email Life Kit with your comments. Subscribe to our weekly newsletter Participate in readers creating stories like this.
This story was edited by Megan Keane. Visual editor is Beck Harlan. We’d love to hear from you. Please leave us a message at 202-216-9823 or email LifeKit@npr.org.
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