I used to hate the word “forgiveness.”
To me, this means that someone could hurt me, lie to me, or even insult me by saying “I’m sorry” and that I should pretend nothing happened. If I didn’t, they would say to me, “I thought you were a forgiving person,” or “What? I already said I was sorry.”
It felt terrible outside and inside.
I was in a relationship that I knew very well was not good for me and I wanted to get out of it, but my misunderstanding of the meaning of the word “forgiveness” kept me stuck there for a long time.
This person will lie repeatedly and never come clean. When the truth comes out (as they often do), the person will claim to be sorry or that they are “getting better” and then expect me to carry on as if nothing happened.
My trust in them was eroded and left there, it also affected my trust in others and even myself. My self-worth was also depleted. I felt powerless because I believed that in order to be a kind, forgiving person, I had to accept as many meaningless “I’m sorrys” as this person had to say. I lost motivation and became frustrated and exhausted.
It feels like forgiveness is meant to punish the person who was hurt.
I’ve heard “forgiveness sets you free” and “forgiveness is for you, not them”, neither of which makes any sense because I really don’t feel free and nothing seems to make me continue to allow their crap.
Well, that doesn’t make sense because “forgiveness” is not what I believe at all.
One day, I looked up in the dictionary.
Forgiveness definition: “Letting go of anger and resentment toward past people or events.”
Forgiveness is just that – nothing more. No more resentment or anger about what happened in the past.
It doesn’t mean you should pretend it never happened.
This doesn’t mean that you should trust them again after they betrayed your trust, just because you have forgiven them.
It doesn’t even say you have to talk to them again.
once.
Forgiveness is for you.
Forgiveness does set you free.
Forgiveness means you no longer carry the pain of the past with you. That way you don’t take it with you to every new place you go and have it explode on people who have nothing to do with your injury.
If you decide to forgive someone but never speak to them again because you know you can’t trust them, then doing so is 100% smart and does not mean you are intolerant. This means your trust was broken and they had no reason to think that trust wouldn’t be broken again, so you decided to separate. Or maybe they make promises and then break them again and again until your trust in them is completely destroyed.
Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation.
Forgiveness means you accept what has happened and cannot change it. This means that if a memory pops up or is triggered, you won’t be riled up with anger and resentment, nor will you be completely powerless in that moment, as if you were still living in the past.
It’s not instant, it’s not easy, there is a process before posting that involves acceptance, reflection, wisdom and presence. This takes time. This takes work. Memories may catch you off guard, but once you realize what’s happening, you can use this process with them and resolve them as they arise.
Knowing what forgiveness is—true forgiveness—and applying it to my life has absolutely changed my life.
I no longer poison the present with the pain of my past. I can listen to a song that reminds me of painful times in my past and not be moved at all. I haven’t forgotten what happened, but it no longer has power over me.
This is the gift of forgiveness. It’s not about them, it’s not about them, and it’s not about relying on them. It is for you, about you, happens within you, and brings you life. It provides the best version of you and all those you choose to live in your life, unencumbered by lingering memories.
You will not forget, you will not erase, you will heal.
About Doe Zentamata
Doe Zantamata is the founder of Happy Life. She wrote down everything she knew in her third book, Happiness in Life – Book 3: Forgiveness. This book will give you the tools and insights to help you let go of the past and move on. She wants you to read this book and get out of it what she wrote for you. free. The book is available as Kindle e-book, hardcover, Audible, and paperback on Amazon: https://amzn.to/2YlQ4bU.
