“Whether intentional or not, leaders lead by example.” ~Unknown
This past year has been a journey—one that has opened me up in ways I never expected.
It all started with life-changing news: I was pregnant with my third child. I welcomed my baby in August, and as I held that tiny, precious life in my arms, the weight of reality crushed me. Something has to give. I could not continue at the same relentless pace, pouring myself endlessly into others, taking their pain as my own, and giving until nothing was left. If I continue like this, I will become a shell of myself – a zombie mother, spending my life in vibrational mode, isolated, exhausted, and lost in myself.
I’ve been the guy that everyone relied on for years. The healer, the solver, the one who never says no. As a therapist, it is natural to care deeply, hold space, and offer everything I have to those in need. I became so good at giving that I forgot how to keep everything for myself.
I thought that was love. I think that’s the value – to be a person who can take on all that. But with the birth of another child, I finally saw the truth: If I didn’t change, I would be consumed. I couldn’t keep running on empty, sacrificing myself at every turn, while still being the mother my children deserved. I can’t afford to lose my bearings because of exhaustion.
So, I made a commitment to myself. I will protect my energy. I will respect my own needs. I will stop trying to be the savior.
“I am not a savior; I am a leader. This became my mantra and my anchor in moments of doubt and old patterns.
It reminds me that my worth is not determined by how much I give or how much burden I carry. True healing is not about sacrificing oneself, but about self-salvation. It’s about mentoring and empowering others – without losing myself in the process.
But breaking free from old habits isn’t easy. The instinct to intervene, to save, to absorb the suffering of others is deep-rooted. This has been a part of me for a long time, and making different choices feels unnatural and even selfish at times.
Recently, a friend was in trouble. Every instinct was screaming at me to drop everything to save her. That’s what I’ve been doing – jumping in, solving problems, trying to make everything better, even if it means exhausting myself and feeling overwhelmed.
But this time, I stopped. I took a breath. I reminded myself, “I am not the savior.” So, instead of digesting her crisis, I encouraged her to lean on other supports and tap into her own resources. I stayed on the scene, but I didn’t allow myself to be the solution.
Let me tell you, it’s hard. Guilt washed over me. Doubt whispered that I was abandoning her, that I had failed her. I felt the child within me—the one who learned to love through repair—screaming that I had made a mistake.
Sometimes I feel like I might collapse. Watching her struggle triggered my fears and insecurities. But then something extraordinary happened—she found her way. She relied on others and her own resilience to overcome challenges.
By taking a step back, I didn’t bring her down—I cheered her up. I gave her the space to discover her own strength and be her own hero. In doing so, I free myself from burdens that truly are not mine.
The realization left me breathless. By not being a rescuer, I broke a cycle—one that left me exhausted and others dependent on me. I showed up in a different way that felt very foreign, but very right.
I feel proud, relieved, and deeply, painfully sad. I grieve myself for sacrificing all of my time, believing it is the only way to be valuable. I feel sad for my younger self because I thought love could only be gained through self-sacrifice. But I also felt hope—hope that I could lead with compassion and strength without losing myself.
This journey is not easy. The drive to save, absorb, repair is always there, whispering that I need to do more, be more. But I’m learning to listen to a different voice—the one that tells me my needs matter, too. I deserve care and boundaries. I can lead without sacrificing myself.
When I was holding my newborn baby and living with three kids, I knew I was going to slip up sometimes. When I slip back into old patterns, when I feel guilt gnawing at me, when I feel other people’s needs overwhelming me. But I am committed to making different choices. I refuse to be a zombie mom, lost in other people’s expectations and needs. I deserve more. My kids deserve more.
When I protect my energy and meet my needs, I become the mother I want to be. I show up with love, patience, and presence. I am not a savior. I am a leader. When I choose to break these cycles, I give others permission to do the same. I create space for those around me to discover their own strength. I lead by example – not by sacrificing myself, but by showing what it means to love deeply without losing yourself.
So, I moved on. I choose myself, even when it feels hard. I break old patterns, even if it hurts. Because I deserve wholeness. I deserve respect. The people I care about deserve a version of me leading with strength, compassion, and presence, not a shadow of my past self. I am not a savior. I am a leader. For the first time in a long time, it felt more than enough.
About Jamie Vollmoeller (LCSW)
Jamie Vollmoeller, LCSW is a therapist, life coach, and mother of three who deeply understands the needs women face when balancing career, motherhood, and personal growth. As the founder of Long Island EMDR and The Good Enough Community, Jamie provides intensive EMDR therapy, providing women with transformative healing and a space to feel truly seen and supported.
