When you find out that your partner has prostate cancer, you both may have a lot of questions about what happens next. You will have a lot to talk about. But what should you say, and what shouldn’t you say, when you’re facing this disease together?
Before you choose your words, focus on the “together” part of it. Your partner will benefit greatly if you are by his side. Go to his appointments with him and be supportive.
“If the man has a partner, I always encourage that partner to be there,” says urologist Jesse Mills, MD, director of the UCLA Men’s Clinic in Los Angeles. “It’s a disease that couples suffer from together.”
Urologist Clayton Lau, MD, agrees.
“Tell your partner you want to be involved, make an appointment, ask questions,” says Liu, director of the prostate cancer program at City of Hope Hospital in Duarte, California. “Many men diagnosed with prostate cancer just shut down their brains and worry, so it’s important for a partner or spouse to process the information and provide emotional support.”
Although the word cancer is scary, prostate cancer has a very high cure rate, especially when caught early. In fact, according to the American Cancer Society, nearly 100 percent of men diagnosed with prostate cancer that has not spread to other parts of the body survive at least 5 years.
If your partner feels overwhelmed, remind him of this.
“Most men diagnosed with prostate cancer will not die from the disease, and you need to let him know that,” Liu said. “He wants to know it’s not all doom and gloom.”
Typically, prostate cancer grows slowly and does not pose an immediate threat. In this case, doctors usually recommend active surveillance. (You may also hear it called “watchful waiting.”) This includes regular checkups to make sure the cancer is not progressing.
Advantages: You avoid the side effects of surgery or radiation. However, this can cause anxiety if you both worry that things will get worse. how do you say?
“Remind your spouse or partner that the doctor is in control and that you will get checked regularly,” Liu says.
If you are worried about what the cancer might do if left untreated, tell your partner how you feel. If he and his doctor decide that active surveillance is the right option, accept his decision to forego treatment, at least for the time being.
“You have to be able to give your partner that space,” Mills says.
If you and your partner have been cancer-free before, this is a whole new world for you. You need help finding ways to talk about it.
“There are many support groups for couples going through therapy,” Mills said. “They operate through cancer centers, hospitals, churches” and other organizations. Ask your partner’s cancer care team to refer you to a local group. You can also check out the American Cancer Society’s patient programs and services. Psychologists and social workers can also assist.
There are two major and potentially long-lasting side effects of prostate cancer surgery: urinary incontinence and erectile dysfunction. Both can be very frustrating. Radiation can also affect your bladder and ability to have an erection.
Remind your partner that these side effects are usually temporary, and tell him that you will be there for him while you wait for things to get better.
If your partner doesn’t have full bladder control (a side effect that can take months or longer to resolve), this may prevent him from returning to his pre-treatment social life or even limit his desire to leave the house.
“Understand how he feels and don’t downplay his feelings,” Mills said. “But encourage him to be a little adventurous and realize that the new normal means he’s going to have to stop to go to the bathroom more often.”
A harsh reality of treatment is that it can affect your partner’s ability to have an erection. You may not be able to have sex like you used to, at least for a while. Talk about this early on.
“Have an open dialogue as a couple,” Liu said. “Talk about how important sex is to both of you, because many times sex is more important to a spouse or partner than the other person. Remember, he wants to feel loved and wants to be viewed in a romantic way .
Mills says recovery from treatment can take up to a year, and your partner needs to know he’s still wanted during that time.
“Tell him you want to stay close to him, even if you can’t be as close as you used to be,” Mills says.
Just don’t tell your partner that you no longer care about his inability to have an erection.
“Even if you say that from a supportive standpoint, that’s completely wrong because being able to have an erection is fundamental to being a man,” Mills said. “Instead, you can say ‘I know you can’t have an erection right now, but I still love you.'” It’s important for your partner not to say it’s okay to be incompetent.Instead, say I want you to feel like you’re doing the best you can [to recover your ability to get an erection]”.
However, sex may be something you’re used to doing rather than talking about. If you’re having trouble starting a conversation, Liu recommends talking to a sex therapist, who can help you both cope with the changes in your sex life. Your partner’s healthcare team should be able to make recommendations.
Sometimes, prostate cancer is aggressive and difficult to treat. It can spread to other parts of the body. Treating this type of cancer requires hormonal therapy, which blocks the production of testosterone in the body. This has significant side effects. Your partner may face the following situations:
- mood changes and mood swings
- loss of interest in sex
- weight gain
- Lack of interest in eating, exercising or sleeping right
“It can be devastating,” Mills said. “The quality of life has taken a huge hit.”
Your partner may become sullen, irritable, and withdrawn, both as a side effect of treatment and as he faces the realities of the advanced stages of the disease. Give him the space he needs, but also provide general encouragement, Mills said. Encourage him to exercise and eat healthily.
“Say, ‘I’m with you,'” Mills suggests. “Say, ‘Let’s go for a walk’ or ‘Let’s skip fast food and have a nice piece of salmon, some brown rice and some steamed vegetables.'” Be part of the solution.
What if all treatment options have been exhausted and the cancer is terminal? You still have to face it together.
“When that time comes, it’s important to be present and reassure your partner that he is loved,” Liu says. “Show love and show your presence, both physically and emotionally.”
You can also support his decision to receive hospice care, where he wants to spend the rest of his life, and ensure that any pain is controlled and that his hospice care preferences are respected. (These should be in his advance directive.)
One thing you shouldn’t do is be dishonest about how things are going. “You can’t simply tell them things will magically get better,” Liu said.
Mills says to tell your partner you’ll be with them no matter what and that it’s okay to let go when his time is up.
“I think sometimes people just need to hear that,” Mills said. “They need to hear from their loved ones that they don’t need to do more, that it’s okay, and that death is not a failure but a condition of life.”
