When Ellie Krieger’s daughter finished college and came home in May as a way to save money before her next move, Krieger was excited to have her back. Still, she and her husband have settled into going at their own pace without their children.
“We enjoy each other’s company,” she said wealth. “We do miss her presence, but not in a lonely way,” she said. Her daughter “is looking for her own independence,” she said.
Soon, Krieger, a nutritionist and cooking show host, realizes that the three of them living in a New York City apartment again will require more adjustments than she imagined—not just sharing a bathroom and making dinner plans, but also surrounding the constant Changing parenting rules.
“I couldn’t sleep because my daughter wasn’t home yet,” she admitted. Her daughter does text her late at night, but Krieger said, “I don’t fall asleep until she gets home, which might be two or three in the morning. I check every half hour and if she doesn’t update me, I would go insane.
“But I think that’s my problem,” she noted.
“The most challenging thing is trying not to berate — trying not to say, ‘Why is your room so messy? Why is my house so messy? Just living with more chaos,'” said Roberta, who uses name. Her two Gen Z sons, ages 23 and 25, returned home from college to live with her and her husband. She also experienced anxiety when they were out driving late at night and said the lack of privacy she and her husband had themselves was a “drag,” especially when the sons let their girlfriends stay over for the night.
“The best part is, I know he’s safe here,” Elizabeth told her son, who had just graduated from college and was moving back home indefinitely. wealth. Elizabeth, who also uses her first name for privacy reasons, said she was worried about his future. “He didn’t seem very motivated to find things,” she said. “And I don’t think he has any idea what he wants.”
These moms are not alone as they balance the highs and lows of moving back home after their kids graduate college. A recent Pew Research survey found that about one-third, or 57%, of young Americans ages 18 to 24 live with their parents, up from 53% in 1993 %. While 45% of parents said the experience was positive, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t come without a learning curve.
“It’s a reframing,” says Mark McConville, an Ohio-based clinical psychologist and author of Launch Failed: Why Your Twenties Aren’t Growing Up…and What to Do About It Tell wealth. “It’s ‘You’re an adult now…so we’re like roommates now.'” Even if both parties have the best intentions, “there’s a natural regression.” of children get angry when they leave dishes in the family room, and they get angry when you remind them of the dishes in the family room.
Professor of Psychology at Temple University and You and your adult children. “No one knows what the rules are and no one knows how to do it well.”
Part of the reason is that it’s understandably difficult to change the way we interact as teenagers. “Your children have moved back home, but their psychological development has not regressed,” he said. “I think you do have to give them independence. But it’s going to be bumpy because no one is really used to it.
Here are some tips to make the transition easier.
Communicate with your adult child
“I think it’s important to have conversations about expectations,” Steinberg says. He suggests, for example, that with a dinner plan, adult children commit to attending a certain number of family dinners each week and agree to provide notice when plans change.
Basically, everyone has to figure out what they expect from each other and then communicate it clearly.
That may require some mental gymnastics, McConville said. “So if you’re my 23-year-old daughter and you’re out until 3 a.m., why is that any of my business? Unless you’re driving my car and you’re drinking. But I figured it out with my parents : What do you do exactly? This isn’t about parenting. It’s about your right to comfort.
Regarding the issue of adult children staying out late and causing distress, like Krieger, he recommends reaching out to the child and explaining, “This is my problem, not yours. I don’t know when you’re out late.” How can I not wake up and not worry. If you can text me or call me, I can go to sleep. I will call to try to get this mutual relationship from that child. This is a reasonable request.
Re-examining perspective – getting rid of shame
If you’re still having trouble letting go, Steinberg suggests: Imagine you’re dealing with a friend or even an adult sibling.
“Would you restrict whether she could go out? No, you wouldn’t,” he said. “If you’re having trouble as a parent, try to imagine it’s just one of your older siblings or a friend who lives with you and treat them that way,” he said, acknowledging that it would be “tough,” But possible.
In general, Steinberg said, it’s helpful to know that while it’s not “the norm” for adult children to live with their parents in the United States, it’s the case elsewhere, including in Italy and many Asian countries. “For reasons that aren’t quite clear — maybe because the United States places so much emphasis on independence — this is seen to some extent as a failure… But I think as it becomes more common, it will lose some of it. shame.
Confronting the Financial Issues of Raising Adult Children
Steinberg said he is often asked how he copes with the uncertainty of having an adult child at home. “They said, ‘How long is this going to go on? I have no intention of supporting my 35-year-old daughter,” he said.
The next inevitable question, he said, is, “If I help support my children financially, do I have a say in how they spend their money?” I don’t think that’s the case. Although I think if you see your child living a lavish life on his own money, it would be nice to say something like, “It doesn’t look like you need as much support from us as you do now.” He won’t, Stop monitoring your credit card bills.
McConville said parents often ask if they should continue to pay for their adult children’s cell phone bills or gym memberships if the children are capable of working and paying for them on their own, he said, “and I tell them the answer is no.” However, he Adding, “To me, how you change the ground rules of your relationship is very, very important.”
One option he suggested to parents was to first agree on a specific, logical, and sufficiently distant date for the change and have it carved in stone. “It might be something like, ‘Well, you know, on September 15th, you turn 21.'” Tying it to the calendar often makes it easier for kids to accept, he said.
“Because my theory is, there’s a voice inside saying the same thing, like, ‘Oh my God, I’m almost 21 and I’m just playing video games.'”
When to worry about your adult children and what to do
It’s natural to feel a little delayed or apprehensive after college. But red flags may include young people having difficulty finding work, “managing their lives” or taking steps to change their situation. All of this could be a hint of depression, Steinberg said.
“If my kids were in career-related, high-paying jobs, I wouldn’t be worried at all,” he said. “I think living arrangements are mostly the result of financial decisions, and in this case, it makes a lot of sense.” But if you do feel you have reason to be concerned, he suggests expressing it “gently” and “making it clear it’s Out of concern, like, ‘You don’t look like yourself lately.’ Is there something you want to talk about?
McConville believes it’s obvious when a child is truly in trouble. He asked parents to imagine their child as a line on a graph and think about the direction of that line. Is it rising, even very slowly? Or is it flat? Or decline? For the latter, he said, “their behavior patterns are clearly inefficient—staying up late maybe playing video games or watching YouTube until 4 a.m. and sleeping until 1 or 2 p.m.”
To address this problem and encourage change, he suggests recommending abstract principles rather than concrete recommendations.
“Kids don’t want to argue about abstract principles. So you don’t say, ‘You have to have a job by next Friday.’ ” What you’re saying is, “If you’re going to live with us, you have to do something constructive.” ” This is a very broad concept, but kids won’t argue with it because it obviously makes sense. Make it clear that anything constructive – whether it’s working, taking courses or volunteering – is acceptable .
“It’s really a way to diffuse the power struggle,” McConville said. “Then you have to insist on that, it’s non-negotiable.”
Everything is temporary – sometimes it’s great
In general, Steinberg said, “it’s very uncomfortable for people to have negative feelings about their children.” Additionally, he said, people don’t like uncertainty.
“You know when your kids come home from college for the summer and they’re leaving in September. But when your kids move back after college because they can’t afford their own home, you don’t know that When will it end? Furthermore, if you think this is something abnormal, “then I think it’s natural for you to feel, ‘I want it to end,'” he said.
But this may only be temporary. At the same time, it can be wonderful: Keep in mind that, according to a Pew Research Center survey, 45 percent of parents and 55 percent of adult children found that living under the same roof had a positive impact on their relationships. That matches what Steinberg has heard from students who have moved back home with their parents during the pandemic.
“It’s not where they want to live, but it’s not as bad as they thought,” he said. “A lot of people get to know their parents — and it brings them closer together.”
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