“If you don’t have a need, you once had one.” ~Marshall Rosenberg
When I was born, my mother didn’t want me. In northern India, there is still a strong preference for boys. Due to patriarchal social and economic traditions, girls are often viewed as a burden.
As a result of that initial rejection, I became hypersensitive to my parents’ inner world. In my deep desire to be loved and accepted, I mastered the subtle art of sensing their needs and feelings, becoming a natural caregiver.
When I come back from school, I will see my mother’s overwhelmed face. Her days are always busy and full of responsibilities. Before I knew it, I had taken on the role of taking care of my younger brother. So growing up, due to circumstance and adaptation, my favorite thing in the world became making others feel at home.
In my twenties, designing emotionally safe spaces became central to my work. I became a professional caregiver first as a college teacher and eventually as a health coach. I experience the deepest satisfaction and intimacy in my work with my students. Work became my nest of rebirth and nurturing. Non-judgment, emotional safety and warmth are its key principles. It’s an experience of inclusion, ease and belonging.
One day I was faced with the decision to expel a student who was emotionally aggressive towards me. I felt like I was divided into two parts: one part that felt hurt about myself, and another part that felt caring and protective of the students who had crossed the line. To be honest, I more agree and identify with the latter part.
I was in agony for several days. I tried to find a way for these parts to coexist, but they couldn’t. I had to face the emotional reality of chaos and discomfort. As they say, if it’s hysterical, it must be historical; if it’s hysterical, it must be historical; and in the midst of this inner churning, I had an important insight. I realized that my favorite things were derived from my least favorite things in the world.
I never want anyone to experience the experience of being emotionally cornered, rejected, homeless and unwelcome. This tenderness comes from my childhood experiences, making me hypersensitive to anyone who might feel similarly.
Ironically, I failed to consider my own needs and feelings when designing a non-hierarchical classroom and workplace where everyone shared power. I wasn’t listening to my own needs and feelings. To quote the late American psychologist Marshall Rosenberg: “If you don’t have needs, you once had them.”
It made me realize that I had learned to ignore my own needs to the point where they weren’t as important as everyone else’s needs. This is a learned behavior and something I adapted to early on.
This prevents me from drawing boundaries, even when necessary to protect my energy and spark of life. In trying to embody the elements of an emotionally safe family, I ignored my own personal truths, especially subtle truths. It was through the experience of this conflict that I saw the struggle between these different parts.
In that epiphany moment, my heart felt lighter after days of heaviness. I could see the beauty and dignity of my needs again. The part of me that did not receive unconditional acceptance from her primary caregivers has given birth to the part that values deep caring and emotional security for others. I tried to soothe my sorrow by bringing life to others.
On a spiritual level, it’s wonderful to witness others becoming a part of me in this cosmic adaptation process. In this physical realm, however, it is important to acknowledge that separation is a prerequisite for coexistence.
My learning is to first breathe life into a discarded part of myself, nurture it back to richness, ease, and wholeness, and then share the gifts I receive from that chosen place.
Another simple question helped me: Why do I lock my apartment door every night? This is to protect my space from strangers. Likewise, in order to be emotionally safe in the workplace, I first need to feel safe.
I see light and shadow meeting on the horizon. Boundaries that once seemed crude, destructive, and violent separated people suddenly felt like love lines within me, helping me to love better, richer, and more honestly.
Learning to set boundaries is not easy. It required me to slow down and bear witness to uncomfortable truths about my past and present. I had to learn to honestly understand where my giving came from and learn to heal and nurture my own grief.
Only when I got in touch with my initial ruptures was I able to become more capable of providing genuine care and support to others without draining myself.
This journey has freed me from savior syndrome and taught me self-compassion to create a more authentic and nurturing environment for others.
Boundaries helped me regain my sense of self. They became a way for me to define what was and was not acceptable, express my limits, and protect my emotional and mental health. This process also taught me the difference between passion and obsession.
Today, I am more in tune with my needs and feelings. I know that setting boundaries is an ongoing practice, not a one-time event. It involves constantly checking in with yourself and making adjustments as needed. This dynamic process has brought more inner peace and honesty to my actions.
At its core, my journey of overcoming the guilt and shame of setting boundaries has been an inner journey of healing and integration. It empowers me to choose to create a life that honors my personal truth so that I can better support and nurture others in healthy, sustainable ways.
About Chanita Arora
Charnita is passionate about living in a world that is emotionally safe and authentic. Before becoming a mom, she was a college teacher, mindfulness author, TEDx speaker, and founder of a wellness class called Perfect Life Spot. Currently, Charnita offers mindfulness-based personal coaching and classes on cultivating self-love, emotional intelligence, setting boundaries, and becoming friends with anxiety and anger. All of this can be experienced online at Charnita.com.
