“A history of trauma can give you a high tolerance for emotional pain. But just because you can accept it doesn’t mean you have to. ~Dr. Subject
I just got back from a walk with a dear friend – one of my favorite ways to chat and socialize. This special friend has experienced significant challenges, especially in the past year. She faced the huge loss of pets and many possessions in a devastating house fire.
The ensuing tsunami of grief and pain carried her through a tumultuous year filled with deep pain and intense efforts to heal. All the while she was juggling raising a son without a partner, working full-time and dealing with the complex issues of temporary housing and insurance claims.
Witnessing her journey is heartbreaking, but it also highlights the extraordinary strength and resilience of the human spirit. Today, she shares a profound insight: After facing her biggest fears and being forced to sit with them, she felt lighter and less burdened by the uncertainty of the future.
I could see how true this was from her gentle but firm demeanor, the ease of her movements, and her willingness to risk being happy again by adopting a new dog and reconnecting with friends.
Trauma Comparison Trap
However, one recurring theme in our conversation struck me: She often mentioned that other people were far worse off. This idea, while sympathetic, raises an important question. This seems to suggest that comparing our trauma to the trauma of others can ease our own pain and feel grateful that our own pain isn’t getting worse.
An effective way to gain perspective? Yes. But such a mindset can also undermine our right to fully heal and acknowledge the inner impact of our own struggles.
I understand this tendency. A few years ago, I had a breakdown at the dental office when I learned I needed surgery. The dentist tried to provide perspective, comparing my situation to those facing life-threatening illnesses. While I appreciate the attempt to provide context, it does little to address my immediate emotional experience.
Looking back, I did hold something hard that needed attention, but I didn’t consciously look at it. Also, the dentist’s comment made me feel ashamed for such a reaction, so it was in my interest to move past it as quickly as possible.
Using comparison to control the origin of pain
Feeling guilty about my reactions was nothing new to me at the time. I deeply feel that experiencing negative emotions is excessive and undeserved because I am healthy, I am an only child, and I am privileged in many ways.
I grew up in an era where parents often used comparison in their well-intentioned parenting strategies to raise disenfranchised children. I’ll give you something to make you cry…there are starving children in Africa…don’t be so sensitive…you know how good you have it? In my day…
Even in my own parenting, I felt guilty for shaming my kids for how they felt—a regret I could only make up for by trying to do better now.
The unfortunate truth is that all humans experience pain, and the depth of that pain can never be fully apparent from outsider observation. The external events we face, rather than the internal impact they have on us.
The Nature of Trauma: The Big T and the Little T
Trauma expert Ryan Hassan offers a helpful metaphor for distinguishing between what are often referred to as “big T” traumas (such as war, abuse, or great loss) and “little T” traumas (including those that occur over time). Smaller long-term experiences that occur, such as bullying or emotional neglect.
Imagine a person injures his knee in a car accident and another suffers an injury from years of repetitive strain injury. The origins of knee injuries may vary, but the damage and healing process are essentially similar. The same applies to trauma. Whether they arise from a single catastrophic event or from ongoing micro-events, the internal impacts are equally profound and worthy of attention.
Furthermore, when trauma occurs, our ability to metabolize it depends largely on the support systems and safe relationships we can turn to for help when we experience something scary. While this is somewhat accidental, the fact is that two people who experience the same trauma can experience it completely differently—for example, one person becomes an addict and the other becomes a motivational speaker— Highlights how the external nature of trauma is not a measure of its impact, but rather the individual’s ability to cope with it at the time.
My friend’s trauma would definitely be classified as a “big T,” but even knowing this, she tends to compare her experience to a “T” bigger than herself in an attempt to weaken her for going through the experience Everything done.
Everyone’s unique journey
It took me most of my life to fully understand that everyone’s journey through trauma is unique. Our paths are shaped by the survival adaptations we develop to protect ourselves against various life experiences that trigger the fight, flight, retreat, or freeze response. These reactions create energetic imprints that remain in our bodies and must be included in our healing work.
Every painful experience, whether acute or chronic, has the potential for profound healing, learning, and personal growth.
Mistakes in the Medical Model
A few years ago, I was deeply disturbed to hear the story of another friend, whose doctor told her that she should now “forget” her father’s death because she mentioned during a checkup that she had lost him the previous year. Randomly start crying. This dismissal, especially from medical professionals, highlights a serious flaw in our traditional approach to trauma.
While radical acceptance of our situation is crucial, the energetic aspects of trauma (often seen as the “woo-woo” in the medical community) play a crucial role. This unresolved energetic component may manifest itself in a variety of physical and mental symptoms, requiring different types of intervention.
Dr. John Sarno’s concept of the “symptom imperative” describes how symptoms rooted in repressed emotional energy shift and appear in new forms until they are resolved on a deeper level. For example, addressing one symptom, such as plantar fasciitis, may lead to another problem, such as migraines, if the underlying trauma remains unresolved.
Explore comprehensive treatments
We are lucky to live in an age where there are many options for dealing with trauma. Methods such as craniosacral therapy, somatic movement, eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), emotional release techniques (tapping), and traditional Eastern therapies such as acupuncture and chakra balancing offer a variety of ways to treat trauma. Creative arts therapy and journaling are also valuable tools. Recognizing the need for these approaches is key, as symptoms often persist until we confront their deeper roots.
allow yourself to heal
My friend’s experience reflects the extraordinary resilience of the human spirit in the face of profound trauma. But when she mentioned a skin condition that had cropped up recently that doctors couldn’t seem to diagnose, it signaled to me that perhaps there was an aspect of her recovery that wasn’t getting the attention it deserved.
While society’s understanding of trauma continues to evolve, we still need reminders that therapy is not about comparing our pain, but about honoring our personal journeys, understanding that our experiences are valid, and listening to our bodies with the symptom language it uses to communicate wisdom.
As we continue to expand our awareness and healing options, may we all make time and space to fully process our pain, develop our resilience, and re-understand what it means to be fully human in complex circumstances ,keep going.
About Natasha Ramlal
Natasha Ramlall is a trauma-informed mental and physical health physician. She helps people see their pain in a new way, moving them into more evolved levels of physical and mental health, wholeness and healing. To learn more or work with her, visit humanistcoaching.ca and get her Love, Natasha playlist, curated to bring your nervous system back into balance as you have “those” days.
