“Life is a balance of holding on and letting go.” ~Rumi
A few months ago, a guy I dated briefly seven years ago reached out to me to apologize for his past behavior.
Many of us know how being ghosted can trigger depression, anger, and potentially a complete sense of powerlessness. Of course, the level of intensity may vary, depending on the depth of the relationship and personal circumstances. This wasn’t one of those heartbreaking cases, and in a way, the apology seemed a bit much. I have long since forgiven and forgotten.
Still, I realized almost immediately that I was wrong: He still felt the need to address how he had abruptly cut off all communication to end our brief engagement.
As he spoke, I realized that we shouldn’t ignore someone’s efforts to do the “right thing” or downplay the fact that we were abused, even if we no longer care, or even if the situation didn’t seem so bad at the time. Recognizing and valuing these conciliatory gestures can foster a culture of accountability and healing.
In the early stages of our conversation, I could see the effort and difficulty we were having; it was awkward, weird, but also funny – some moments were really hilarious! Since then, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this experience because of its uniqueness, and ultimately, I consider it one of the highlights of my year.
Perhaps not surprisingly, receiving such an apology also made me value this person more. I began to think this behavior was abnormal, which in turn led to new thoughts: Shouldn’t this be the norm? Don’t we want to hold ourselves and our friends to a higher standard? Is ghosting a bad thing? Is our response to this terrible? Of course, we all know how “convenient” ghosting is, but isn’t it also embarrassing for the average person? ghost?
(Note that I use the word “ghost” rather than “ghost” to discuss behaviors without implying that they are immutable aspects of a person’s identity. This distinction is important because it avoids implying permanent Ways label individuals, allowing for the possibility of growth and change.
It’s one of those things where “the king is naked”; we all, and I mean all of us, see through it. So, what’s underneath it? Why do people do this so often?
- Fear of confrontation: Many people find direct confrontation uncomfortable or anxiety-provoking, so ghosting allows them to avoid the discomfort of a potentially awkward or difficult conversation.
- Lack of responsibility: In some cases, avoiding conversations and disappearing can make you feel like you are not responsible for your actions because there are no immediate consequences for a ghost. It’s a deceptively simple escape route.
- Emotional avoidance: Some people go through stages where they lack the emotional tools to maturely handle the end of a relationship or a difficult situation. Ghosting becomes a way to avoid processing your own emotions.
- Reduced empathy: Ghosting makes you feel more distant and more likely to ignore other people’s feelings and the impact of your actions. Digital communication exacerbates this alienation because the lack of face-to-face interaction weakens your sense of empathy and connection with the ghosted person.
- overwhelming response: Sometimes life gets incredibly busy and people react awkwardly, often unconsciously. They may ghost friends, family, or partners without even realizing why. Trying to simplify things when everything feels overwhelming is a misguided attempt.
Well, we’ve come up with some ideas as to why people ghost. Now, let’s talk about what we can do with this insight. Whether you’re a ghoster or someone who cracks silence, here are some tips to help you deal with these tricky situations.
A gentle reminder to those who criticize themselves
Before doing anything else, let’s get a few things out of the way. For those who criticize themselves, for those who feel like they don’t even deserve an apology, for those who feel worthless because of their partner or friend’s ghosting behavior, it’s crucial to remind yourself that you are not the problem.
Yes, there may be something in your behavior that is at odds with your ghost’s present; you may have some flaws, but nothing out of proportion to the lack of recognition and invisibility that being ghosted brings to a person. This is never guaranteed.
The actions of others reflect their own inner state; they are not a measure of your worth. Your self-worth will not be affected and diminished by external actions. Recognize that you are fundamentally valuable, no matter how others treat you, and realize your worth.
Ghost’s Strategy
If you find yourself ghosting someone, it’s important to realize that you’re indulging in a temporary behavior. It’s important not to shame yourself at this point, but to recognize that ghosting reflects a lack of alignment between you and other people, the world, and your own emotions.
Instead of being self-righteous or beating yourself up, or worst of all, constantly cycling between these extremes, consider giving yourself a time limit. You may not be able to handle the situation now, but you need to commit to resolving it within the allotted time.
Avoiding difficult situations means missing out on important moments. While friends may not always criticize you for this behavior, consider this advice the gentle nudge you need. Not only do you have to admit that your ghost probably doesn’t deserve this treatment, but that you don’t deserve it either.
Setting a time limit can be a simple way to take a breather because you know you can handle it. I particularly like another quote from Alan Watts: “The more timeless something tends to be, the more lifeless it tends to be.”
Ultimately, you shouldn’t act differently just to make someone else feel better. Instead, you should act differently because you should feel better, and because through your actions (and thoughts and emotions) you are contributing to the world. What would you like to add?
Ghoster’s Strategy
If you’ve ever experienced a phantom, here are a few things to remember to get through the experience.
First, avoid being self-righteous or harboring anger or resentment. Being ghosted can often leave you feeling hurt, ignored, and incredibly frustrated. With a strong need to be acknowledged, it’s natural to want to lash out. Sometimes anger can feel like a powerful antidote to the feelings of helplessness and melancholy that ghosting causes. So, if you’re feeling helpless, venting your anger can be a way to regain a sense of control, and if the anger helps you cope now, that’s okay. Think of it as a necessary step in your emotional journey.
However, there comes a time when overcoming anger and resentment is critical to your growth. As Malachi McCourt said: “Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”
Second, avoid toxicity positivity. Of course, I’m just saying to avoid having negative emotions, but you don’t have to pretend everything is sunshine and rainbows either. Pretending it doesn’t hurt won’t do you any good. We can safely admit that it would be painful to do so. But be honest with yourself and be acutely aware of all the nuances of your feelings. Sometimes your pride is hurt more than your heart.
Third, focus on activities other than yourself. When you feel frustrated, upset, or angry because of the shadow of someone you care about, turning your attention outside can be incredibly therapeutic. It may sound cliche, but investing time and energy in activities that have nothing to do with your problems can distract you and even help rebuild your sense of self-worth.
When we become obsessed with our problems, we tend to focus on a small part of the universe. By pursuing a hobby, helping others, or immersing yourself in a new project, you can expand your horizons and find a new sense of purpose and fulfillment. Think of it as a mental stretch—focus more on what feels good.
When you’re ready, try to think of ghosting not as a reflection of your worth or an inherent characteristic of the person ghosting you, but rather as a reactive moment when someone is grappling with their own unresolved issues ( spasms). Know that if you use this experience to better understand yourself and your wounds and triggers, it can lead to emotional growth. This shift in perspective can help you release the hurt and begin to heal.
About Marta Castella
Marta Castella is an accomplished linguist and educator with a Ph.D. In Formal Linguistics. She is committed to strengthening early education and promoting multilingual education, designing bilingual immersion programs and customized learning plans for young children that integrate mindfulness, cooking, gardening and music. Marta’s career includes work as a natural language analyst, artificial intelligence training, and prompt design. When not immersed in research or teaching, Marta enjoys practicing movement and meditation.
